Cold and lonely on a hillside

My skin is full of holes.

Little indentations, little caves.

My skin is crawling with creatures from the depths

Of the tunnels in my body.

Wolves and hyenas heckling and jeering.

Bears and ogres wailing at the moon,

Begging to be absolved of their sins,

Asking why they find themselves banished to my caves.

My heart hurts, it tenses.

My lungs heart, they’re empty.

My shoulders hurt, they’ve been screaming for days.

My soul hurts, it wants to sleep.

To sleep, per chance to dream,

Of pain, of sin, of heartbreak.

Violence paints the insides of my veins.

While I think of a knife entering my neck.

My dick is broken,

apologies for being crass.

But to be honest with you,

it’s driving me to the point of insanity.

She thinks it’s her, or it’s me, or it’s us.

She think it means something.

I think it means nothing,

just punishment for a crime I don’t remember.

I’m ashamed,

of my dick, my sex, my kisses.

I want to crawl under the bed,

sliding in between the floor boards until it’s dark.

I’m slow,

my fingers, my head, my skin are coming to a halt.

I want to float out the window into the winds.

Drifting into nothingness.

But then I think of her.

I think on how all she asks for is love.

She doesn’t need money or clothes.

She needs passion and romance and sex.

I wish. I hope. I pray. I beg. I plead.

But it’s all for naught.

It doesn’t work.

And the more it doesn’t the more my brain is wrapped in tape.

My brain is hogtied by fear,

Beaten into submission by the zip-ties of shame.

Slowly thinking less,

Slowly wanting to stop.

I want this out of me. I want this gone.

I want all of it cut out with a scalpel,

Scrape clean my insides,

Never to remember what it felt like to be empty.

Take a toothbrush to the insides of my bones,

Rinse my nerves with bleach,

Wipe down my muscles with lysol,

refill me with warm water.

I just want to give her love.

I just want to fuck her.

I just want to touch her.

But I find my skin falling apart,

The holes stretching until they disintegrate,

And soon I’ll be a stone.

Cold and lonely on a hillside,

I’ll dream of when she was by my side.